When the stars start to fall
by puffapod
Summary: The story starts when peyton and Lucas broke up after he asked her to marry him. It's a love story with lots of drama written from Peytons perspective.
1. the devil's awakening

**Chapter 1 : the devil's awakening**

"Hey best friend, everything ok?" Brooke asked worried.

"Sure I'm fine. I told you before. I couldn't be better." Peyton answered with a face as If she could faint every moment.

"Hey, Peyton it's me Brooke, you don't have to lie to me you know. I can see when something is up. And something is definitely up here with you. And don't you dare give me that blank stare!"

"Don't worry Brooke, I'll be fine. It's just that … I miss Lucas, like a lot. And I know we've broken up for more than a month now but I just miss him. And I don't think I'll ever get him back. I screwed it up and now I have to live with that. I just wish I could take back everything that happened. The night of his proposal … I just wished I could take it all back. I've dreamed about that night so many times and every time I say yes. Every time, I just don't know why I didn't say yes back then. I miss him so much."

"Hey don't worry , I'm still here for you and I'm sure that if you two truly belong together, you'll work it out some way or another".

"Thx best friend you know I love you right B. Davis."

"Yeah I know, I love you to ."

And that's the moment I realised I had to take action for myself. I couldn't keep being this pitiful person who was regretting everything that happened. I had to go out and make my own future. With or without Lucas. It was that moment that gave me clarity. The kind of clarity one needs when drastic things are about to happen.

I think it must have been late that night that I realised this because Brooke woke me up the next morning. She was yelling so hard that I thought someone had died.

"Brooke, what's up? Are you ok?" I asked worried.

"Yeah I'm fine, just get your lazy ass down here missy", Brooke yelled.

I climbed out of my bed and went downstairs. When I finally reached the stairs and looked down. I saw Lucas standing there, right in front of me. He looked rather worried and immediately I realised that he wasn't here because of my dream. I crabbed myself together and yelled at Brooke. "B. Davis, how dare you call me downstairs when you know I'm still in my pj's and somebody else apart from you is in the house? I'm going to get to you later missy!!"

"Ehmm hi Luke", I said with my voice shaking. "Haven't seen you here for a while … everything ok?" Lucas looked at me as if I was contagious or something like that. "So what's up?" I asked trying to sound a bit more convincing and happy this time.

"Ehmm Peyton" and I knew something wasn't right. The way he said this, he used the tone one uses as they're going to tell somebody their dad died. "We kinda need to talk". I was frightened to death.

I looked down on him wondering whether I was just dreaming this doom scenario. After a minute or two - it seemed ages to me - Lucas asked me if we could go outside to talk. I went downstairs, not realizing I was still in my pj's.

"Ehmm, maybe you could get dressed first" Lucas stumbled with a little smile hold back.

Oh, why had I forgotten that I was still in my pj's? I called at him telling him it would only take one minute. But when I got upstairs I realized that I didn't want to go back down. Lucas had looked so scared. Like the world had been destroyed and he was there to tell me the bad news. I was scared. I felt it all coming, it started with a heavy breath, and then everything became black in front of my eyes. There I was lying on the floor, having a major panic attack and Lucas waiting for me downstairs.

Should I tell him I still love him? That I can't live without him. That I need him to be complete. That he is my everything, that without him there's no reason for my existents. All these questions kept on coming. My panic attack was getting worse. I couldn't move anymore. Every inch of my body was aching now. And then it happened, I could feel it coming but I couldn't stop it. I screamed, I screamed so hard that Brooke and Lucas were in my room within one second. Their faces full of horror. Not knowing what was wrong with me. All they saw was me lying there on the floor, crying and screaming without a reason at all.

"Are you ok?" Lucas asked.

"Ehmm, what?" I mumbled looking terrified at them while they were looking terrified back.

"Just give me a minute ok? I'll be ok I swear."

Lucas and Brooke left the room and I realised I was overreacting. I can cope with what Lucas has to say. I'll just let him do the talking; I didn't have any proof that it would be bad news. I didn't even know why I assumed it would be bad.

I finally got dressed and went downstairs.

There he was. Waiting for me giving me that crooked smile of him but looking a bit worried as well. "Maybe we should go talk outside" he suggested.

"Yeah is fine by me, but just tell me … nobody died right?" I asked with a scary voice.

"No, nobody died" he laughed back at me.

We walked outside together, not looking at each other and not saying anything. The tension was rising and I was wondering why it all felt so strange. Why was he so nervous? It's not as if he was going to propose to me again... was he? I so hoped he was. Then suddenly he asked me to sit down. We were down by the rivercourt now. I hadn't even noticed that we'd walked this far. I sat down on the table just looking in front of me, wondering what would come next. He sat down right beside me looking at his shoes, shuffling a little bit with them.

"Luke, please tell me what's going on. I'm sure I can handle it. But this is making me nervous, probably more nervous than necessary. Just shoot ok?!"

"Ok, here it goes" he answered taking a deep breath. "I'm getting married Peyton"

I so did not see this one coming. "wow Luke , that's big news …" I know I should have said that I was happy for him but I'm not and I couldn't lie to him . "And who're you going to marry if I may ask" my voice was shaking and I heard anger coming out but I just couldn't take it back.

"Her name is Lindsey, she published my book. And I really love her Peyton. I just wanted you to be the first one to know. I hope you can be happy again with someone else, just like I am with her." He said with his very soft voice, still looking down at his shoes.

"I've got to go" I whispered it so that he wouldn't notice the shaking of my voice. I was about to cry and didn't want him to know. How can he marry someone one month after he proposed to me? tears were rolling all over my face now. I didn't know what to do. The only thing I could think of was going home and cry a little in my room.


	2. the antipotion

**Chapter2 : the anti-poiton**

When I came home Brooke was there and looked at me with scared eyes. "? Are you ok girlfriend?" she asked it with such caution that it made me cry even harder. "Hey, come here, do you want me to make you some hot chocolate?" I mumbled something back and she decided that that was my version of a yes. So five minutes later she came back with some hot chocolate.

"Here you go best friend. Now tell me, what happened?"

"Lucas is going to get married" I sobbed. "WHAT? With who? Do we know her? What's wrong with those Scott boys and marrying so soon? I bet he's just trying to get over you."

"Yeah well he's doing it rather fast then isn't he? What do I do now Brooke. I still love him more than anything or anyone in this world. I'm really not sure if I can handle this right now. It's as if every piece of my heart has been cut and destroyed."

"Oh, I know you still have feelings for him best friend, but maybe it's time to let go"

I looked at her and just ran away. I couldn't cope anymore. I needed to be gone from everybody who knows Lucas. I needed to be somewhere where I could figure out what I wanted to do and with who. I had to figure out whether I was ready to give up on him or whether I would fight for him with the girl I didn't know at all.

I woke up the next morning, I think it must have been around 5 O'clock because it was still dark, and I didn't know where I was. I started to panic when somebody called my name.

"Hey Peyton, over here. Did you sleep well?" "Euhm I guess so, but … who are you and where am I?" "I'm Mike, Don't you remember? We had a party last night, I didn't know girls could party like this, but I have to admit I was wrong." He laughed as if I did something really terrible the night before.

But why can't I remember what happened. The only thing I knew was that my body was graving for something. I didn't know what at that point, but I knew I had done something stupid. Something that I'd never dreamt I would do. "Did I take drugs last night?" I asked with fear dripping from my face. "Drugs, my darling, you took a bit of everything. Want a bit more?" I looked at myself, what had I become? Taking drugs just because the guy I loved was getting married. But the moment the thought about Lucas getting married popped in my head, the pain that had caused all this was uncontrollable. The pain and bleeding of my heart, it felt again like somebody stepped on it and made it fall in thousand pieces. this pain I could not bear at all. And I realised that if I took just that one line (Mike had put it in front me at that point), all the pain would go away. At that point I didn't think anymore, all I wanted was for the pain to go away, I took the paper with the little line of coke closer to me. Looked at it and sniffed it. I could feel my body shaking and the pain slowly eased away.

I'd wondered all day what I wanted to do with my life and every time, over and over again, Lucas came to my mind. The mental picture I made of him was so perfect. His amazing blond hair, those deep blue eyes, his crooked smile. Everything was so clear and sometimes it felt as if we were together again. He was so close, so real. I guess the coke had something to do with the reality part though. I had been taking some that morning and I still felt sick. But being sick was better than being hurt. So I'd keep taking it as long as it eased the pain.

The next week wasn't much different. I got up every morning and sniffed a line while grieving over Luke. I think it must have been 2 weeks later when something changed. I'd become so addicted to the drugs that I didn't think of Lucas anymore. He wasn't the reason of me using anymore. He had just become a vague memory.

That evening Mike took me to a concert of fall out boy. I immediately fell in love with the band. Off course being on drugs I think I would have liked any band but that's not really the point. Their music reached me; it was as if I understood everything they were trying to say. And then I saw their basguitarist - He was cute - With his dark hair, those extremely beautiful brown eyes. His sexy tattoos. Totally the opposite of Lucas, but special in his own kind of way. I felt the attraction between us and didn't think about what it could be, I just went for what I felt. I went towards him telling him that he was cute and that I wanted to go to bed with him. He looked at me with his mysterious eyes. He scanned me completely looked in my eyes and I saw shock on his face.

After a while he saw Mike. He went towards him like a blood dog that smelled blood. He looked angry and he made me feel scared. He talked with Mike for a while, and it ended in yelling at each other for half an hour. In the end Mike looked furious, he yelled that he would never work with fall out boy again and ran away. Not looking at me and passing me without saying one word.

The guy came back to me, took me by the arm and told me to come with him.

The next morning I woke up in a clear bedroom and I smelled fresh breakfast. I couldn't remember what had happened the previous night though. The mix of drugs and alcohol hadn't been doing any good to my memory at all. I was shaking very badly and my body graved for that little bit of white powder. I rolled over in bed and yelled for Mike. But it was the cute guitarist who showed up at the bed.

"So you're finally awake" he said, smiling sympathetic. "Yeah, guess so, now give me the white stuff please" I said shaking all over. "Why don't you tell me your name first? Mine is Pete Wentz" he said with a wide smile crossing his lips. "Peyton Sawyer, but what does it matter to you … Pete" I asked feeling the anger rise. "Well I don't think you should use the 'white stuff' as you like to call it. You're a smart, pretty girl. Get your act together, you know it's not this what you want." He looked at me as if I was something dirty that needed cleaning.

"But I don't want to get better" I yelled, "I just want the stuff and forget everything about my life. That's all I want. My life is crap; everything and everyone I care for always seem to leave. I can't take it anymore. The last two weeks have been really good. I didn't have the pain and grieve, I just felt free, free of everything. So tell me Mr … Pete, why would I give that feeling up?" I just blurted everything out; I didn't want to feel like before anymore, I was tired of it. And he, Pete Wentz was not going to stop this. He didn't have anything to do with me; he didn't know what I was going through. He should have left me alone.

I was so angry; I didn't know what to do next. The first thing that came to my mind was yelling. So I started screaming all over the place. Pete just looked at me and started laughing. I looked at him in disbelief. "How can you be smiling when I'm screaming all the neighbours over" I asked with venom coming out of my eyes. "It's just funny, seeing you scream the tops of your lungs out, knowing that nobody will show up. Cause there's nobody." He was laughing so hard now that it made me even more angry. All I wanted to do was hit him. So I started hitting him. But again he just laughed. 'Will you stop kittling me he asked. The stupid drugs from the night before had messed up with my power and all I did was slapping him like a little baby. Now I was really desperate and I just started crying. I don't know why I started crying. The tears just started rolling down on my cheeks. At this Pete did stop laughing. He looked at me and just sat next to me. He put his arms around me but didn't say a word. All he did was letting me cry. Let all the poison come out of my system.


	3. an angel's voice

**Chapter3: an angel's voice **

After that morning I started to feel better. Pete didn't rush me anymore. He didn't nag anymore about going back to my old live. All he did was being there for me. We talked for hours and hours. And often it was about Lucas because he was still the major problem why I started on drugs. But I noticed that after a while I didn't need to talk about Lucas so much anymore. We started talking more about simple things, music mostly. He was the most amazing musician I ever met. And every evening he sang me to sleep. Whenever I felt rage coming up and couldn't control myself, he started singing.

Now and then his band members came around and they would make new songs and jam all night. I always was amazed about how much fun they had in their music. It reminded me of the times music had been my savings.

One night, I think we must have been there for about 3 weeks; Pete came to me and said that we had to talk. I kind of was freaked out about it , cause that's the way Lucas had told me that he was going to marry that extremely ugly b*tch Lindsay. So I had isolated myself in my room till Pete knocked on the door. Asking me if he could enter. I didn't know what to say, could I say that he wasn't welcome? That I didn't want to talk to him, that I thought he'd say I wasn't good enough for him as well. But I was too scared to tell him off. He entered the room and looked around. The first thing he said was "don't worry Peyton I'm not here to hurt you, I just think we should talk about you going back to your life. I think all your friends must be worried about were you are. Lucas included" I most certainly hadn't seen this one coming. I was lying in my bed, my mouth had fallen open and I'm not sure when it closed again. "Euhm, do you really think I'm ready" I asked the doubt being even more clear than that I meant it to be. 'Yeah I think it's about time. If you go now, you're friends will be waiting for you. They love you Peyton, they'll be there to help you. Otherwise you might have lost them, and that would be, I think, a shame. Cause you're a caring girl Peyton."

"Well thanks Pete, and maybe you're right. Maybe I should go back, but what about Luke? I'm not ready to see him again. He's going to get married with the devil itself."

"Common Peyton, don't see it like that. I think it's time you talked to Lucas and move on from him. You know Peyton … there're more guys out there who want to be with you beside Lucas"

WOW, what did Pete just say, did I hear that right? Did he just say that he likes me? Oh no, not now, not another love story, I can't take it. On the other hand; he's cute and maybe he can take my head of Luke. Oh damn I'm confused now, what the hell should I do?

"Pete could you leave me alone for a minute?"

After he'd left the room I started thinking. I was so confused. What could I tell him? _Pete, I like you but you'd just be to get my head off of Lucas?_ No I couldn't do that to him. But then again, what if Lucas never was going to change his mind. Pete was nice and handsome and we had proved that we could live together. Was this all it took to make a relationship work? Being able to live with each other. Or do you really need to love the person the way I love Lucas? Or is loving somebody the way I love Lucas just meant to hurt, but nothing more.

I was so confused, I didn't know what to do, I just stared in front of me, and before I knew I was asleep.

_There I stood, with my golden curls hanging on my shoulders. All the girls were watching me with envy in their eyes. I didn't understand what was going on. The innocent jumping out of my eyes. Than this girl, with her black hair, dark eyeliner and piercing started yelling at me. All the other girls took this as a start sign and started yelling as well. The only thing that came to mind was to run. I started running as hard as I could. But they wouldn't stop following me. They were getting closer. I got scared, started yelling myself. But there was nobody_ _there, nobody to hear me, nobody to save me. I panicked, I told the girls to leave me alone. "I don't have anything you could possibly want. Please, leave me alone." The girls started laughing at this. "You don't have anything we'd want"' the girl who started the troubles yelled. "Did you hear that girls, this bitch says she has nothing that we'd want"' I was so scared. All those girls looked as if they were ready to kill me. I looked around, and before I knew what was happening, somebody caught me from behind. My heart skipped a beat and I stated to get an asthma attack. "Please don't harm me" I was actually crying now. "I'll do everything what you want, give you everything you want"_

_the person who'd taken me started to__ laugh, but the laugh was familiar. It was as if I belonged to the person who'd started laughing._

"_So you'd do everything he, nice to know" I could here the guy smirking. I turned around and there he was; Pete was standing in front of me. Giving me his familiar smile. I was shocked._

"_Please, don't be scared he said. These girls wouldn't hurt a fly if it belonged to me" he said it in my ear so that the girls couldn't hear it. "So who of you'd like to have an autograph?' he asked the girls while winking at me. "I'll give you all one, if you promise me to leave Peyton alone. She belongs to me and you'd better accept this."_

_He sounded so protective, as if I really belonged to him, even as if he couldn't imagine a world were we didn't belong. _

_After the signing he turned to me, "so, would you like to go for a little walk?" _

"_Yeah, sure" I answered giving him a broad smile. We walked along a little river. It was so beautiful he smiled at me and put his arm around my waist. He pulled me a bit closer and stopped walking. He turned me to face him and looked deep into my eyes. He took my hand and we stared in each other eyes for what felt like eternity. He had so beautiful eyes, why hadn't I ever noticed this? I wanted to tell him that we'd better get going before somebody got worried about us. But when I started talking he stopped me. He pulled me closer and leant in to kiss me. His lips were so soft, tasting like fresh cherries. I leaned in to him, kissing him back with all the passion somebody can possess. And at that moment Pete's face changed in that of Lucas. _

I woke up all wet.


	4. God's present

**Chapter4: God's present **

I took me a while to calm down, and I kept thinking about my dream. Would it always be like that? Would every guy I like always have to be Lucas when it came down to it? I didn't want to believe. I had to let go, I had to let Lucas go. He had moved on and was about to marry a girl. A very ugly stupid manipulative bitch, but he was still going to marry her. There was nothing I could do about that.

Pete entered my room and sat down at my feet. His dark brown eyes were fixated on mine. I don't think I've ever seen such beautiful brown eyes, glistering full of passion and love. I felt him coming closer, his hand gliding on my left thigh. The moment he was on top of me I stiffened. I wasn't sure whether this was the right thing to do. But when he kissed me, his sweet soft lips touching mine. I knew that it was alright. I had fallen in love with him.

He was the guy I needed to get back to be the person I was before, and even to be the person I could be. He had helped me through the most difficult time of my live. I was ready to give him the rest of my live. As long as he showed me that he loved me.

And that night he most definitely showed me that he loved me.

I felt reborn, ready to start my new life. My new life with Pete Wentz, the cute, funny, sweet bas guitarist of fall out boy. He wasn't Lucas, but he was there for me, something that Lucas had failed to do.

Pete and I didn't see each other a lot. Once we were a couple and I found a bit of stability with him I started to be less dependant. He had to go on tour, because he had been ignoring his band for to long now. He went away for weeks at a time. I missed him and even though he called me everyday, I felt that something was missing.

I had been sick for more than a week now. I had been throwing up every morning and had never felt as sick as now. I had some strange longing for the most outrageous things you can imagine. I kept asking for strawberries in winter. I started eating things I'd never liked before.

It wasn't till one month later that I realised what was going on. I had realised it when I didn't get my menstruation that month. I called Pete with panic in my voice. I was scared. No scared didn't do, I was terrified.

Pete came home straight from his tour in Europe. When he was home we took the prenatal test together.

We sat there, waiting for the thing to turn blue or pink. I hoped it would be negative. I wasn't ready to become a mum. But what if I was, would I be a good mother? Would I and Pete be good parents? I was still in school and Pete had his band. We weren't poor but that was only because Pete went on big tours. If we got a child, would he then still be able to go on tours, if he did, than I would be on my own to raise the child.

We waited, and the one minute we had to wait felt like hours. I started crying and I didn't even know why. Pete took my hand and kissed me gently. He told me he loved me and that no matter what the test said, he'd be there for me.

I started crying even more after he said this. He was such a good guy. I know I was a lucky girl to have him. I just hoped everything would be ok.

Pete looked at his watch. The minute was over; he slowly went over to the bathroom to look at the test. He came back in the room with tears in his eyes.

"I'm going to be a dad" he said tears rolling over his cheeks. He hugged me and didn't let go.

"I'm so happy" he declared. "I've always wanted to be a dad, and Peyton I really love you I swear. I'll always be there for you and my child. Always!"


	5. the devil's revenge

**Chap****ter5: The devil's revenge **

I was really exited about the pregnancy. Pete was always there for me and our unborn child.

The first 3 months went splendid. I wasn't really sick and Pete took care of everything. Including my crazy likes at certain moments.

We thought about names and went with rose for a girl (although I liked Liese better) and Zachary for a baby boy. Not long after we came up with the names we heard it would be a boy. Pete was so happy; I hadn't seen him cry till then. He was so touched by the fact that he'd have a son. Another Wentz in the world, I'd never seen him more thrilled about anything.

But we never got to the birth of our baby boy.

I think I was about 6 months pregnant when destiny caught up with us. I fell of the stairs. I can't really remember it; the only thing I can remember is the big pool of blood around me. If it hadn't been for my dad visiting that day, I'd probably have died together with Zachery. If only I could've died that day.

I woke up in the hospital and I remember Pete's face, he looked furious, hurt and nervous.

"Hi honey, how're you feeling?" he asked worry dripping from his face.

"My stomach", I grabbed towards my tummy. It was flat; it wasn't supposed to be flat.

"Pete, what happened? Where's Zach?' a flood forming in my eyes."

"We lost him honey, can you remember what happened?" Pete looked really worried.

I started thinking about what happened, but with every memory that came back more tears filled my eyes.

"All the blood", I stumbled out, "I fell didn't I? I killed our little boy." Realisation catching up with me but I couldn't believe my memory. How could I?

"Please Pete, tell me this isn't true. Tell me Zach is alright!" I started screaming at him like it was his entire fault. I got so panicked that Pete started crying.

"Please Peyton, stop. Just stop please. It's not only you who lost a son. It's not your fault neither mine. Just please stop, I can't take this, not now."

I looked at him in disbelief. Not my fault? I fell and that fall killed our boy. How could this not be my fault?

I stopped screaming but tears flooded without an end. Pete came towards me and stroked my hair.

"I'm really sorry honey, we'll get through this.'"he said while kissing my forehead.

It was hurting so much. I couldn't just let it go. I couldn't bare seeing the hurt in Pete's eyes, knowing that I was the reason he was hurting this much. Guild was doing me in.

Every time Pete visited I ignored him. He was hurting so much but every time we talked a feeling of guild and deep sorrow would come over me. Every time I looked into his eyes, I thought about how wonderfully shaped our little boy's eyes would've been. Every time I looked in his eyes a sea of tears would start running from mine and I was never able to stop as long as he was with me.

Pete didn't blame me but I blamed myself. It didn't take anything more than just that.

When I was a bit better I would listen to the radio, just to try to forget a bit of my grieve.

It wasn't much but sometimes it would blank my mind.

But what I heard made me cry even more. It was fall out boy, Pete's band. They're where singing one of their new songs. I've never heard anything that touched me that much before.

"_Hell or glory _

_I don't want anything in between_

_Then came a baby boy with long eye lashes_

_And Daddy said: you got to show the world the thunder" _

I failed in giving Pete's baby boy. I failed in giving him glory. Instead he got hell. He didn't deserve hell and I would never be able to give him the heaven he deserved.

From that moment on, everything said or done between us just drove us further apart.

I couldn't face him and no matter what he said, I saw the grieve in his eyes. Even worse, I saw that he blamed me.

We had felt so sure of our love but now nothing of that remained. The only thing left was pain. Just seeing each other made one cry. It couldn't stay that way, we couldn't comfort each other. We just made it harder for the other.

I don't blame him for what he did, we needed it. I consumed all of his energy and he mine. We needed this break-up.

That's also when I decided to head back. I hadn't seen any of my friends for over a year and felt scared about seeing them again but they were what I needed.

Pete and I had broken up and seeing him reminded me of Zachary. I didn't grieve over losing Pete, and that's kind of disturbing if you ask me. I guess I never really loved him with my heart as I thought I did or even should have. Perhaps this was all for the best, although I'd really loved our child. Zachary …

I started to cry again, but I knew what I had to do, move on, let it go and look for comfort within my friends.

Will they still love me after all this time not hearing from me? I couldn't get myself to think about it. I had to get back, back to Tree Hill.


	6. angels' support

**Chapter6: angels' support**

Brooke was waiting for me when I got at the airport. She looked so happy to see me. Just looking at her made me smile, it made me feel at home, home at last.

I didn't move back in with her though. I needed some time on my own.

Brooke who had realised this the moment I had phoned her to say I'd come back, had bought my old parent's house for me. She stayed with me the first couple of days though. She felt something was wrong and didn't want to leave me. But she never, not once, pushed me to tell her. She just was there for me.

Haley came over a couple of times and I know she meant well, I just couldn't help crying when I saw her. She was everything you'd expect a mother to be; a mother I'd have liked to be. She reminded me of what Zachary and I could have had together; and just thinking about Zach started the flood in my eyes.

Haley took it all a bit too personal I think, but I just couldn't tell her. Because to say it out loud would make it real again; and for it to be real was more than I could cope.

It had to stay an ideal, an idea of something I'd never have rather than a memory.

I know I wasn't fair to her and she did deserve the truth. I had to find a way to tell her that the flood coming from my eyes hadn't anything to do with her. I just had to tell her someway; I just couldn't. I wasn't ready; just not yet.

I hadn't seen Haley for over two weeks now, when finally Nathan arrived at my door. Jamie was with him and was standing behind his dad, looking at me with scary eyes as if I was the cookie monster.

"Hey auntie Peyton" he said. My eyes started to fill with tears, "Hey jimjam, how're you doing?"

"I'm ok; I even made you a song to make you happy again. Mommy says you love music and she helped me make this for you."

I couldn't hold my tears back. Hearing him sing for me was much more than I could cope; but how could I explain? How could I tell that little boy he reminded me of those little eyes I'll never get to see? That he reminds me of my baby boy who I'll never get to know.

I just ran away. I had to get away; I couldn't stand it and didn't want to hurt Jamie too much. I ran to the bathroom and started crying like a little baby. I started to feel physical sick and threw up everything I had in me.

Nathan entered the bathroom and stared at me.

'I've sent Jamie into the garden. I think Edward will keep him safe for now.' Rolling his eyes at the mentioning of Jamie's new imaginary friend.

"Anyway, what's wrong with you Peyton?" I started to argue but he cut me short. "Don't give me the same shit you told everyone else! We deserve an explanation. You start crying every time you see my wife. You even start crying when you see Jamie. Just tell what's going on Peyton, maybe we can help." His voice had really softened. He looked so worried. I kept staring at him, and I swear I wanted to tell him everything. I just didn't know how to start.

He couldn't keep his temper and started to get mad. "For god sake Peyton, what do you want from us? We can't read your bloody mind, so if you don't open up, don't expect us to be here for you!" he sounded so frustrated, and even more … he sounded hurt. Could he be hurt? Did he think I didn't trust him? Oh it really wasn't like this; I just didn't know how to start.

He started walking away and all I could do was whisper the words: "he died." Nathan turned around very fast looking at me in a peculiar way. "Who died Peyton, who?" He was looking carefully at me. It was as if I could break every moment and he was there to get the pieces and put them back together. He asked again who had died and seated himself down next to me, putting his arm around me. "Zachary died" I said, the questions readable on his face but he didn't ask them; He waited for me to tell my story. I started falling apart again and Nathan gave me a firm hug.

"It's ok Peyton, let it all out." He was really kind and I started again.

"Zachary died", I said again avoiding every eye contact, "my little baby boy."

Nathan gave a little shriek at that, it was almost impossible to hear.

"Oh Peyton, I'm really sorry. I wish there was something I could do for you. I can't imagine what it must be like.' He pushed me closer, not speaking and not asking me to speak. We just sat there for a while, letting the flood pass once again.


	7. don't call it hope

**Chapter7: Don't call it hope **

I don't recall how long we sat like that, but when Jamie entered I had stopped crying. I was now just lying down in Nathan's lap. Jamie, who didn't expect me to be in his dad's arms stepped back.

'Daddy, can we go home now' the sweet little voice of a tired boy washed over me.

But this time I didn't start to cry, this time I felt stronger. I felt as if my sorrow and grieve had been shared and that there was hope.

Yes, that's what I felt, I felt hope.

Everyday I got a bit better, and everyday made me feel a bit stronger. It wasn't as if I could concur the world; but every little step towards less crying and more smiling was a good step.

I still had days that I couldn't stop thinking about my baby-boy, and on those days the floods weren't far away. But with everyday that came, the floods came less frequently and with every thought of him, less tears dropped.

Until I was able to talk about him without the flood, without the tears; just with the love I still felt for him.

A couple of days later I was shocked to see Lucas at front of my door. He looked tired. He hadn't had a shave for days and the smell on him was almost unbearable.

"euhm, hi Luke, what do you want?' I looked at him; my nose curling of the smell with disgust.

"I just thought I'd say hello before you go off again" he said, almost falling over.

"Luke, have you been drinking?" the astonishment was readable on my face. I had never seen Lucas this drunk before and why the hell would he turn up on my doorstep drunk?

"Only a little bit" he answered a cloud of alcohol smell coming towards me.

'Ok Luke, why don't you come in and get a seat in the sofa. I'll make you some coffee to sober you up."

I didn't have to say it twice. He tried to step in but tripped and fell over.

'Common Luke, you have to get up.' I tried to help him up; but it felt like I was trying to get a back of very heavy potatoes off the ground. After a couple of minutes, I finally succeeded in getting him on the sofa.

I didn't have to make a coffee though, cause in less than one minute he was snoring his way into dreamland.

Getting far away from his troubles and misery.

I tried to call his home in the hope to get Lindsay on – I suspected them to be married by now – but no one answered the phone. After I had tried for more than an hour I just gave up and faced the fact that she just wasn't home.

Lucas slept like a little baby; snoring and making the strangest noises I've ever heard. But I didn't wake him; instead I'd been watching him all morning.

Sitting opposite of him with my cup of coffee; dreaming of what once was us and our biggest dream; being together forever.

But it just didn't happen and for some reason I had stopped believing it ever would, for some reason I had given up on him.

Lucas woke up a bit after noon. His little eyes not recognizing the place of his staying. When he sat up, and looked at the light, he just fell down again.

"Oh, my head" he whispered, not sure were to look to make the headache go away.

"Here you go" I said, handing him a homemade hangover cocktail that would take away the pain. "Just drink it, it'll get better"

"Thanks" Lucas said looking sheepishly at me. "But what am I doing here" He looked around not certain what he wanted to find.

"You stood at my front door this morning, pissed, and I took you in Luke. Couldn't just leave you outside in this state now could I?" my eyes scanning him, I felt sorry for him. I felt sorry for who he had become.

"Anyway, go take a shower upstairs. I think there should be some shaving material as well. Use it"

He looked back at me with tired eyes, not knowing whether I was kidding him or not; but not taking any chances.

"I'll be right back he said" giving me one of his tiny Lucas' smiles and just then I remembered what I liked about him. Just in that split second I saw my beloved one back.


End file.
